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[04 Dec 2003|05:16pm]
Spent some time looking back to the past for reason and reflection.... I found
I have missed four opportunities with that many people on a potential relationship basis and have become happier than ever with the one I have stayed with the entire time...I love you LUISA

I plan on doing something big and sporadic when the time comes and only when the time comes.

I want to take a trip up north to the mountains with the QUASI-MOTO for some man to machine bonding

I miss my mom though she lives in my heart forever and I will See her soon

I will read two pages from my bible and reflect upon it's teachings relative to my everyday life

I will walk life holding hands with jesus and give myself back to god

I will let my father know how much i appreciate him before it is too late

I will have two jobs by the first week in January

I will continue to ignore the negatives of life and convince others that no matter how bad things are there is always tomorrow to look forward to. You should never be upset over such small things when you have so much to be thankful for never overlook the power of life and love from those whom you may think don't care. Some just may
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[06 Nov 2003|06:42pm]
Ok here it is Luisa goes out with her friends last night to dance and have fun. She gets back at one or so. Well tonight she is too busy studying to see me for five minutes. Let me ask you all, if you were in my situation what should I do? What would you think? Anyone Please answer and be serious....By the way that REALLY hurts to say "yeah I am a little busy studying to see you"
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frustrated [30 Oct 2003|05:05pm]
I can be mad
I can be dissapointed
I can hate lies
I can be disgusted with the truth
I can like you a little less
I don't think I could look at you in the face in fear of truth
I can forget about halloween
I can work instead
I don't want to see you smile right now
I don't want to see you at all
I didn't want to know what I am still not wanting to know
I hate to think you would lie to someone you care for
I don't want to see you in jail
I don't like it when you drink and drive no matter how "fine" you think you are. .8 and they will cart your ass off!!! that I can prove
I don't want to see you kill someone to make a fucking curfew
or see the other person dead because you were bored and wanted to have a little fun
What would you tell that person's parents
what would you tell their kids
what would the judge say about how fun that night was
What would you tell your parents
Would you think manslaughter is too much
Would you think manslaughter was not enough
How do you feel about murder
Yes that wouldn't be worth it. how bout calling me next time you don't feel "strait" enough to drive. I know you want to have fun but the truth is that it is dangerous to make a decision when under the influence. Call me if your in that situation that is why I am here, to care. DON'T BE FUCKING STUPID and drive DRUNK!!!!!!
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6,000$ Mountain Bike [13 Oct 2003|04:58pm]
I got my bike but who really cares???

Well I think I will write about something very special....
Luisa I love you. Sometimes I think about you for hours on end, Just you and me. You are my life and future. You are what makes me unique. YOU are what makes me happy! not work not school not a very expensive mountain bike. It is you, I realize exactly how precious you are and how deep your love runs through me and nothing can stop that.
You make me smile
You make me sad
You make me happy
You make me mad
You make me excited
You make me appriciate BEING ALIVE
You are intricate
You are beautiful
You are sweet
You are caring
You are loveing
You are mine
You are the most precious thing I have and the closest to my heart. Luisa, you and I are forever and there is nothing that can seperate us from this reality we have made for ourselfs. I wouldn't trade what we have for anything and I would give all that i have just to be with you and feel the way I feel when I am with you just for an instant. You are more valuable to me than life itself. Just to see you happy, just to see you smile and say it's ok is my drug. It erases everything negative within my grounds of reality. I will love you forever.
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[19 Aug 2003|10:05am]
luisa you are very dear to me I just wanted to say that I love you very much.
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[14 Aug 2003|10:16am]
I just wanted to say thank you to Alyssa and Katie. This weekend was really memorable and for once I was able to witness all that Luisa has told me about how great of people you really are. I just wanted to say that I am greatful for your friendship with Luisa and that you had taken the time to meet myself. Thank you for inviting me on one of your last trips together I know for myself it was exciting and memorable. I am glad I was able to be a part of something that ment very much to all of us. You both are very special people who really do care and put forth that extra effort just to ensure everyone is happy. I wish the best for you both and that your move to your respective destinations goes well.
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This ground is not the rock I though it to be- [07 Aug 2003|01:29pm]
I was depressed last night. BAD!!!!! I haven't been that upset since my mom died but I guess that this will go away much sooner. Everything from work to school to her and it isn't bad but if I told her it would kill her and that is not necessary. I will leave if I get ANY BULLSHIT from nino. What a son-of-a-bitch!!! I have never heard him say "good job" or "thanks" under any situation other than a graduation. He bitches about his high payroll, and what pisses me off about that is that I could start anywhere for at least a dollar more an hour than this shitty job. Fuck them all!! It is truly messed up when you work for someone for three years and give up 1) a social life 2)shitty pay for the work put in 3)Very hard grueling manual labor for a complaint rather than praise for being in that fucking freezer (at or below zero the whole time) for four hours scrubbing EVERYTHING (walls floor ceiling shelves tops and bottoms and all containers herein) and I am not exaggerating. Tuesday he introduced a new manager to the kitchen staff for a restaurant he is planning to open, he introduced all of us by name and called me Jason. I am so tired of all of this shit and what I am sacrificing just to live. Of all of the weekends I have worked there, every single one since Valentines day three years ago, I have only had three days off to do something social (two for prom and one because business was slack) I need something new to embrace.
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[04 Aug 2003|01:45pm]
hmmmmmm..........I drank burbon in Garde Manger today it was very good! Not enough to even feel a buzz but strong enough that my instructor asked where the smell came from and I told him it was the burbon that I used in my galontine. Truly it was the leftovers but it doesn't matter anyway.
I feel empty.
Yesterday was bad and I left feeling stupid. That gesture was true, not that I wouldn't take it as a joke normally but rather that I felt the way I did already sorry I push things like that all of the time. Sometimes I tell you to sit with me because I want to tell you I love you, sometimes I want a kiss, sometimes I want to touch you and hold you but you assumed something that I do too often and I really should stop because you don't want me.
I look and see problems. You always have something better and more important, so I am learning to coexist with other people and incidents. I bother you too much and I really think that at times you just need to do your own thing and enjoy yourself and I am being a pain in the ass. It's okay I understand.
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[31 Jul 2003|02:21pm]
GRADUATION-I hate it! I don't want to work this week. If not for the desperate need to pay bills I would be done with this job. I HATE NINO'S AND ALL OF THE STUPID DRAMA OF WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!!
My friends and I have built the most hard core freeride/cross country course in my yard that I have ever seen. The course as of now is only a hundred or so yards and every fifty feet or so there is an obstacle that is pretty technical. This winter when the brush dies in the woods we plan on taking the two acres and building a master and some sub trails that will hopefully mean I will never have to leave my back yard to bike ever again!!! We've taken fallen trees and left over lunber(from our new house) and have built bridges ramps and all sorts of ideas are comming to head. It is a great workout to lift logs and swing an axe. Not to mention the self gratification of it all being my trail. Our next feat will be a ramp to a bridge to another ramp and down an insanely steep decline into a ditch hopefully dropping 10+ feet and continuing the trail. quite fun for time I really can't spare.
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potential for an awesome day [28 Jul 2003|01:59pm]
Today I am going to leave school meet with john and len (that bitch owes me $25!!) and go see T3 again! From there we'll go biking and hopefully I will see my Luisa and meet her cousin. You still haven't told me what you are going to do about the Clif thing and I'm curious. You are very complicated for all that I have seen from you but I guess it is alright. I love you-Remember that.
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[24 Jul 2003|01:28pm]
I just didn't feel connected to you. my mind kept wondering and pushing myself in screwed up directions that you shouldn't worry about. The whole time I was laying down I couldn't help but think for that while it wasn't us but just me and you again, like you really were not mine. When I seem like I am somewhere else and you usually ask me if I am alright this is what is going on in my head and I really can't help it. It doesn't happen that often anymore, but when you usually see me and know I am out of it enough that it concerns you that is the thoought going on in my head. that is what i am thinking when I don't say that I love you at the end ot a phone conversation or do not kiss you when it is appropriate. Overall I think it is just me and a feeling I get that i cannot explain.
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5,000 pounds on my shoulder [24 Jul 2003|12:58pm]
Maybe I am just too tired. I lay close to you and felt a thousand miles away. I don't know why but there just wasn't something there. I feel empty like I just don't belong. I wish I could take a week off of work, school, friends, maybe just life in general. I wish I could just leave for a while by myself and not worry about work, bills, or anyone. Like a trip to wherever and be by myself. I guess to be by myself and get my life on track to figure out exactly what it is I need. I need a break from life.
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-relax turn around and take my hand..........- [22 Jul 2003|01:01pm]
That hurt, truly though it really is not a big deal or at least not as big of a deal as I thought. Sorry I just cannot take drama that well. I guess I just spend so much time avoiding it that I corner myself and become so dillusional. There was just no room for it in my life. I hate how my mom called Val a bum or deadbeat. I hate how there are so many stories of my first two years of life all originating from different points of view that do not fit. Sometimes I feel as though I do not have a face in this world but you are there to convince me otherwise. I just do not want the drama anymore. FUCK IT ALL!!!!!
I just want to be with you and as always that makes me happy, to hold you, to see you, to touch you, and the best thing is to still smell you on my clothes after a date. That all becomes a blur when things like what has happened twice already and I don't know what to think about it. You scare me when you don't call, it scares me when your mom tells me you said you told her you're comming to see me don't stop by, or do not call when I hang on a prayer at your will. I'm not here to dictate your actions so to tell you to do so may be wrong. I am sorry if it is but I hold you to a higher standard because I know in my heart that you mean more to me than that. I don't want any of this to be my buisiness or even hear about it, but you have made it so that I have no choice and what really sucks is that there has been two occasions that have torn me up inside very much and it also kills me that you keep going back even when you expect to be hurt.
Have you ever seen yourself as this person's tool for how he treats someone he admires so much? It makes him feel better to see you upset because in his mind he is wanted. I know-I am the same way when it comes to feeling wanted though I would never hold our relationship against you if we ever broke up and he does because his motives are wrong-,but he feels if he makes you feel bad enough that you will come back to him. The truth is he's only got one thing on his mind that he wants from you and it isn't a relationship in regaurds to what he has said to you no one who loves you would ever bring that up if they truly love you. He knows that if he loves you and really wants to be with you the focus is much different. It just isn't true for him to adress the issue through anger all of the time instead of at a sooner point confronting you in a loving manner no tenderness just pointing the finger and hurting you because he never "got it". I am just saying that if he really loved you and just didn't want to get in your pants it would be different. I know that is the truth no matter how mentally screwed up he may be.
You know it causes damage to me to know that what happened did happen regaurdless of the stand point of both of us because in my mind I tried, but that there is still something you feel you have to go back to. You know it hurt me so why do expect me to just be okay especially not but five minutes after we talk? Why do you cry next to me instead of when you realized it was that late? Why do you become so upset after it is over when you tell me you didn't like him that much but it is powerfull enough to destroy you and make you cry? Because it did mean something to you but you keep telling me that it didn't. I can't stop asking myself "Is she lieing?". If I'm so important and I am supposedly the most important person in your life (NOT ment in the same way you see your friends)but you didn't seem to concerned to take 15 seconds and call to tell me or leave a quick message and it kills me to think that is all it would have taken for things to be alright now. It breaks me down and I feel worthless. I really could understand that you were carrying good conversation; though it is impossible for me to believe that through the course of that conflict you failed to realize that your conversation has been going on for nearly three hours(Maybe not quite so long, but close). You have to realize that it damages me and I loose faith, my heart drops, and it makes me not want what I spent so much time longing for. (please don't take this too hard but I am talking through my heart) I get this feeling; that for you there is something there in all of this mess and I just loose all of this self worth because overall I am here now you should not need him in that aspect in my mind, I should be the one to comfort you and to help you. Any other way it would just be over but for no reason you keep walking back. I haven't asked you to stop talking to him and I really don't know if that communication with this person is what makes you happy, though you must realize I lost a really special friend just because you were jealous and I did that because you basically said you don't like me hanging out with her. I left Heather when she need me to tell her that she was making a mistake and in that perspective I failed that person and never looked back and to be honest I need that relationship back though not nessisarily s/p? given by the same person or yourself. Really you cannot convince me otherwise because I know that is how it is-you can't let it go yourself. Can you look deep within yourself and tell me otherwise? You have to know that I do know you love me but I want to hear something else because though it matters it still doesn't make the pain go away. I feel like you love me but don't care to make it okay and I fear that because you so not let it go that it may be more powerful than us and it will push me away from you for good, that is what it has started to do and no matter how strong my love is for you the thought does not escape me.
I am not telling you to push him away, that was my mistake, and you really may need this person but who we are is -NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS- or anyone else's for that matter. No one other than us. Please understand that, but there is a line that needs to be crossed and just a three hour conversation will not be the end to that aspect(Even if the conversatin was really shorter my point still stands so three hours may be an exaggeration). I need something more than "I'm sorry James" or "I love you" that to me isn't sincere and weather or not you agree, it is your job to fix this. Just know I'm not intending to hurt you, but I have to openly communicate my feelings to the fullest and this is the facts. It is too difficult to deal with and too important to spoon feed you bullshit or lie about how I feel or pretend that i am alright and hope things get better because in my mind if I do then it will get worse.

I do love you and you know it please don't be short and push me away more.
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TIRED!!!!!!! [14 Jul 2003|01:36pm]
This sucks!!! I cannot find a single person who is interested in Mountain Biking in this whole journal or at least no one who speaks english. Anyways. I am kinda sick of all the bull shit that goes on in life. I wish everone could see life through anothers eyes and feel the hardships for just a moment to put aside differances and come together in some way just for that instant. that would be complete. Why do we all fight? Do you ever think to yourself "Does it REALLY matter?" sure in some way it does, though not completely. Lately I have tried to accept things as they are. I guess more indifferently than before, I look at someone and just think that some seem to have a grudge upon the world, many have lost something they long for despite being a negative aspect on thier life. Sometimes it seems we look through ignorance rather than wisdom to find some of life's lessons. We can all be a tool at someone else's hands, the objective is to be unique and self expressive truly being individuals. I think I can say i am truly happy. I have a beautiful girlfriend, an education (though I know i do not write like it) income, a trick ass bike, Oh and a beautiful girlfriend. Friends in my perspective come and go what makes the relationship unique to me is how they are remembered in your heart. Life is too short to be unhappy just for a minute let it go.
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[10 Jul 2003|01:54pm]
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---------------------SUNDAY-------------------- [10 Jul 2003|01:50pm]
Hmmmmmmmm...... I got it! Let's go to fun station and ride the go-carts, play some games, and hang out for a little while then go to the park (of your choice if you like) then to my house and i may fix dinner and we'll watch a movie. Your bike will be fixed so we can possible bike if it is still daylight. what do you think?
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[08 Jul 2003|01:02pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

well i sure hope you both enjoyed the service. I prepared two entrees. A pork and sour kraut and tenderloin filet. Chef Keating (the head hancho) loved the pork and said that it was very good so my day has been made in the food aspect. You both dressed very well and looked very nice for the event and i thank you as it is a reflection of my company to the school, again thanks. Luisa I love you very much. I just wanted you to know that you are always on my mind. SOOOOOOOOO PRETTY!!!! Ok g2g see ya later.

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Not YOU-drive! I-DRIVE [30 Jun 2003|02:18pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

I worked on my bike yesterday for a few hours with len. The only physical object (YOU ASIDE MY DARLING LUISA) I charish among all others. My masterpiece, my defining point, my $3,000 sex toy. yes that much pleasure can only be described one way. Went saturday morning to tom brown park and rode the trail in like 40 min or so. New trees fell and it slowed us down a bit but the trail was perfect little soft sand and quite hard packed. I felt invincible and rode as fast as ever quite simply ecstacy......
And on to my primary love. Luisa I love you. I really want to see you even just for like 20 min. I do not care how long but it is nice to be there with you feeling the way I do. I just want to love you.

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#1 [25 Jun 2003|11:04am]
There is something drawn to me in anger, through frustration, and loss of hope. Through love lust and longing. My attitude twards others and a general fear of the unknown seeming so apathetic. In retrospect I do not care though there is more to see in myself, conceded and paralyzing upon the deepest wells of the soul seeking guidance a light. Open mind open eyes and in a voulnerable place we speak to ourselfs. pondering what to do. Through open fields of energy through mind and body at the speed of life and the infinant possibility we expose ourselfs to. There lies a point, a focus on the event horizon of the mind's black hole of thought. All of our fears, all of the minds notions of reality escaping and the mind is now open for all to see. Seeking ownership of unsatisfaction through possesion of something so masked knowing not of what it could be. Condemmed for what we are, downfall to self indulgence and communication with oneself on another level. Through every light I have peered through the life is empty and adverse. there is something missing-
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[05 May 2003|12:13pm]
I quit good bye to all. It is over. JAMES
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